The 159

I turn 40 in just four months, and there’s something about reaching that milestone that makes you pause—really pause—and reflect. Where am I? Where do I want to be?

For women who desire to be mothers, 40 is a big red number. And it made me realize that the way I was living—content with single life, okay when relationships ended because I didn’t want to give up my independence—was no longer serving me.

What I truly desired didn’t match how I was living my life.

So, begrudgingly, I decided to be intentional and signed up for online dating.

I know.
(I can already hear the eye rolls through the screen.)

I created a profile, put it out there, and waited. The next day, I checked back, and the sheer number of likes was… flattering. But then, reality hit me hard.

I used an advanced filter—the most important one: Do they identify as Christian?

And let’s be real—that only means they took two seconds to check a box.
It doesn’t tell me if they live for Christ.
It doesn’t tell me if their profile is splattered with Scripture.
It doesn’t tell me if their faith is genuine or performative.

It’s just… a box.

After filtering, I still had a number of matches, but then my eyes drifted to the top corner of the page.

A message read:
“Adjust your filters to see 159 more people who are into you.”

Wait… what?

159 men were more into me than they were into Christ.

I wept.

Because this is so much bigger than me finding a husband. This is about the salvation of their souls.

At that moment, I had a fresh understanding of 2 Peter 3:9:

“The Lord is not slack concerning His promise, as some count slackness,
but is long-suffering toward us, not willing that any should perish,
but that all should come to repentance.”

For the first time, I truly felt the weight of that verse.

I felt a deep empathy for Jesus in Luke 19, where He wept as He approached Jerusalem. He grieved over the coming judgment because He wanted to save them—and yet, they rejected Him.

And I believe He still weeps over us now.

• He weeps for those who choose self-preservation over bold faith.
• He weeps for those who claim His name but don’t truly follow Him.
• He weeps for those He longs to save but who turn their backs on Him.

This isn’t just about my desires.

Yes, I still believe Psalm 37:4—that God will give me the desires of my heart.
But even more than that, I desire for the 159 men—and so many more—to know and love Him.

And that is bigger than any love story I could ever write for myself.